Birth-related (breastfeeding) trauma cost me so many precious bonding opportunities with my newborn son.
It cost me the sleep and rest my body needed in hospital after giving birth.
It cost me mothering my baby in the way I had dreamed of, after a difficult fertility journey.
It cost me tears and sleep, as I laid awake at night grieving and trying to work out what had gone wrong, and whether I had tried hard enough.
It cost me money, with lactation consultant and GP visits, pumps, formula, bottles, the significant mental load when maybe none of that would have been required if I had been cared for properly in hospital.
It cost me time and money ordering international books and listening to podcasts to come to terms with and understand my experience.
It cost me socially, not being able to relate to the experience of my mum friends and feeling sad during my mother’s group catch ups.
Most significantly, it cost me mentally – GP appointments, psychology sessions, medication and contributed to a depression so bad I spent 4 weeks in a psychiatric mother-baby unit.
It still costs me, especially now when trying to conceive a second baby, as I often replay the events in hospital in my mind, feeling confused and sad.
But perhaps now I am starting to feel more angry than sad.
Angry at the system that allowed me to sustain a separate and significant physical injury during my post-birth hospital stay, and no-one really batted an eye. Angry that it costs the system nothing as it thrives on new mothers being too traumatised and exhausted to speak up.
